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Worldwide Pants: A Tight Fit!

Posted by Scribbler on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 3:47:45 PM
I didn't catch O'Reilly on Letterman the other night but I wasn't surprised at his sarcastic treatment of O'Reilly. I don't watch Letterman anymore. I did once. I used to watch him when he was on in the afternoon and for years I'd tape him when he did the late night bit. But not anymore. He  had a college student on one night who went to his old school (Ball State) and Dave gleefully said he would be happy to pay all the girl's college costs:tuition, books, room and board would all be paid by Uncle Dave. She was happy and everyone cheered. When she looked over at sidekick, Paul Shaffer, he merely shrugged his shoulders--he knew the real Dave Letterman. At the show's conclusion, Dave reiterated his "promise" to take care of the girl's financial obligations. What a neat guy!? Not! A few days later I noticed a small item in the paper. Dave would not pay the girl's way through college. He was only kidding (hee hee) and it was just a joke (haw haw). That was the end of the Dave Letterman show for me! Humor has always been used to keep people at a distance and to hide true feelings. A comedian can always say he was just kidding because that's what funny guys do. Teasing cans sometimes  be a form of abuse. Letterman did say something once that I thought was very funny and very true. He said that being successful in show business was like" high school with money." I think that's right on. It is a little sad that some never make it past their sophomore year (wink wink).
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Time Rewind 11/30-12/3

Posted by Scribbler on Monday, October 30, 2006 9:25:03 AM
October 30, 1938  Orsen Wells panics the country with his radio broadcast of "War of The Worlds."  Orsen Wells trivia:
*He was born May 6, 1915 which was the day Babe Ruth hit his first home run.
*He played The Shadow on radio.
* Some thought he might have be been involved in the "Black Dahlia" murder case.
Many think the real "aliens" were spooked by the broadcast and put off the actual earth invasion . It's to take place on October 30, 2038 under the designation: "Operation Rosebud."
October 31, 1868  Standard uniform is approved for postal workers. This leads to the first postal incident when a Vermont man develops a "uniform fetish." He will not take his uniform off and begins to wear his old Civil War uniform as well. Because of the neighbor's laughter, his wife leaves home. She later returns when he joins a new organization which guarantees his anonymity and furthers his love of uniforms. He becomes a member of the KKK.
November 1, 1968  Motion Picture Association introduces rating system: G, M, R, and X.
In 2005, a new system is proposed that would reflect Hollywood's political feelings. The new rating would have RS for Republicans Stink, GW for Gore Won, and DB: Dump Bush.
Despite denials, this new system is now in use and is being transferred to television.
November 2,  1947  Howard Hughes flies his plywood airplane, Spruce  Goose, for about a mile. At the time this was the world's largest airplane. Problems he had to solve involved uplift, drag, yaw, and the all important breakeven load factor. Hughes admitted he solved these problems in 1943 when he designed the Jane Russell bra for "The Outlaw."
November 3, 1871  Henry Stanley traveling in Tanganyka utters the words, " Dr. Livingstone, I presume?"  No one really knows the good doctor's response but among those suggested:
"You were expecting Charles Darwin?" 
"Didn't you see the sign, 'Paparatzi and Sailors Not Allowed'?"
"But we are out of Halloween treats!"
"Yes, but we have no children up for adoption."


This Just In !!!!   "STONES TO SKIP CLINTON BASH: DIXIE CHICKS WILL SUB: EVENT TO BE HELD IN BACK OF 1968 VOLKS VAN"
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Scary Thoughts About "Falling Back!"

Posted by Scribbler on Saturday, October 28, 2006 6:11:31 AM
Tonight is the night I thought you should know
When we give Standard Time a great big hello!
It will be lighter in the morning when you go to work
And gray in the afternoon where dark shadows lurk.
But do it real soon so you'll get lots of rest,
So on the 31st you won't feel depressed.
For on that day, a Tuesday, I see
Will bring out the horrors on a wicked wild spree.
It's a day of deceit, trickery, and revulsion
Where anything goes --It's a joyful compulsion.
We must be on our guard on such a day
As fraud is disguised in a spook-tacular way.
I speak not of a witch and her devilish brew
Or of trick or treaters and their ghostly boo!
But be forewarned and on guard, most earnestly, I pray
For the 31st is for those with feet made of clay
Who celebrate and give thanks for United Nations Day!
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You Know You're An Obsessed Blogger When.......

Posted by Scribbler on Thursday, October 26, 2006 7:49:15 AM
1.  Your blogging outfit is either flimsy or frumpy and could be flagged as offensive.
2.  Your bumper sticker reads: "I'm the Tiger Woods of Blogging."
3.  You interrupt family gatherings by rushing off to check the Site Meter every hour.
4.  This Halloween you're dressing up as a computer mouse.
5.  You're favorite T-shirt has the message:"If I need a blood transfusion, get it from a blogger."
6.  You hated Aunt Laura until you find out she has a blog too.
7.  You write a great idea on a restaurant menu and get caught sneaking the menu out the back door.
8.  You're favorite food is peanut butter out of a jar, chips, and anything you can drink.
9.  You're other favorite T-shirt says, " Be careful what you say--I'm a stealth blogger."
10. Your baby's first words were "post" and "delete."


*You go on a blind date and when she introduces herself, you run home to post the experience.   Thanks to Jimmy Carter
*You get to the polls too late to vote because you have spent the whole day reading and replying to posts urging you to vote!   Thanks to Pistol

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Halloween Costumes of the Rich and Famous

Posted by Scribbler on Tuesday, October 24, 2006 7:02:04 AM
1.  Paris Hilton: Tramp
2.  Howard Dean: Larry, Curly, and Moe
3.  Nancy Pelosi: The Good Witch
4.  Bill Clinton: Ashton Kutcher (husband of Demi Moore)
5.  Barack Obama:  Walter Mitty
6.  Rosie O'Donnell:  Popeye the Sailor Man
7.  Jack Cafferty:  Wizard of Oz
8.  Bill Moyers:  Billy Sunday
9.  Al Gore:  Deepak Choppa
10. Katie Couric: Meredith Vieira
11. Hillary Clinton: Barack Obama
12. Chris Matthews: Matt Drudge
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Stay With Us!

Posted by Scribbler on Friday, October 20, 2006 10:28:14 AM
" In Attleboro, Mass, school officials have banned tag, touch football, and other chase games during recess for fear kids will get hurt and the school will get blamed. Teachers on recess duty have complained about being bumped by kids playing such games ( one swallowed her recess whistle) and the noise has caused hearing loss with another teacher. A special "game committee" will hold meetings this winter to consider banning other dangerous games. This would  include hop scotch ( knee damage ) jump rope ( bad rhymes)  and marbles (bruised knuckles).
Lawmakers in Italy revealed more than they thought when they had  perspiration wiped off their fevered brows by a phoney makeup artist. About 50 parliament members participated in this scheme for a television show. The sweat was sent off to a lab and the results: 12 tested positive for cannabis and four for cocaine. Other startling findings: 3 were suffering from bribe bacteria, 9  had a kickback complex, 6 had gout and 2 were pregnant.
They are using federal dollars  to modify the hump on a bridge in Carthage, Missouri. It seems the bridge rises and falls so sharply, it has a roller coaster sensation. Money will be used to stabilize the bridge  but  Mayor James Woestman wants the hump to remain. He likes that the bridge has a "Whee" factor. For a few dollars more, one official said, the "Whee" could be increased to a "Yippee" or a "Hurrah" factor. This official was told to get off his "Whoopee" cushion."
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10 Famous People Who Should Be Cloned

Posted by Scribbler on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 3:34:28 PM
1.  Al Gore: So improvement will continue on the Internet and global warming and we'll have another great movie like Love Story.
2.  Bill Moyers:He'll be needed to make sure the Schumann Center bucks go to the right people on the left, to prevent a right-wing coup, and to protect all from the menace of evangelical Christians.
3.  John Kerry: So another generation can have him as an example of courage, honor, and steadfastness.
4.  Kofi Annan: So Bill Moyers will have someone to pal around with. 
5.  Oprah Winfrey: Because every generation needs a hug and a boost to their self-esteem.
6.  Jimmy Carter: To put a face to the word,"malaise."
7.  Ann Coulter: Because each generation has those people who need to be "Coulter-ized."
8.  David Letterman: Because...well....uh..ah...Make it the Top 9.
9.  Ted Turner: So Time Magazine can make him "Person of The Year" in 2091.
10. Michael Moore: So Jimmy Carter will have someone to sit next to during the 2052 Democratic Convention.                      
 
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Time Rewind 10/16--10/20

Posted by Scribbler on Monday, October 16, 2006 8:11:19 AM
October 16, 1984  A baboon heart transplanted in baby girl. A year before, a monkey heart was placed into a ten-year-old boy. This was proved unsuccessful as boy hated bananas, the Tarzan yell, didn't have lice, and only wanted to "horse around."
October 17, 1957  Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip visit the White House. They eat hot dogs, listen to country music, and sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom. The next morning Philip tells an aide, " I dreamed about Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln last night--And I thought I was henpecked!"
October 18, 1776  In a New York bar decorated with bird feathers, a customer orders a "C O C K tail."  Origin of other drinks:
*Harvey Wallbanger: Named after a customer who had 87 bar fights and lost them all.
*Screwdriver: Named after Tammany Hall Democrats.
*Bloody Mary: Named after Mary Fisher, girlfriend of Harvey Wallbanger, who cleaned up
  Harvey after 87 fights. 
*White Russian: Named for Red Russians who are in disguise.
*Bud Lite: He was a genius at watering down drinks.
* Black Russian: Named after a Red Russian in disguise but is lactose intolerant.
October 19, 1818  Napoleon begins his retreat from Moscow. His retreat was not caused by snow and cold weather. He  left because he couldn't stand borsh, babushkas, and Baltika Beer. Also, he was concerned about bullets, bombs, and bayonets. 
October 20, 1818  United States and Great Britain agree to establish U.S-Canadian border at 49th parallel.  United States decides to put up fence to keep out pesky Canadians who want their part of the American Dream. Rules are established  to prevent profiling and Canadians are not to be referred to as "Canuks."
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The Scribbler's Toons

Posted by Scribbler on Tuesday, October 10, 2006 6:33:54 AM
*Scene: We are up in the air and in front of us are three large clay pigeons. They are labeled: Joe, Alex, and The Big Unit. Below, on the ground, is George Steinbrenner shooting at them with a shotgun. Kneeling is Brian Cashman tending the targets.
TAG: "George and his postgame aim on who is to blame!"
*Scene: Two kids are outside admiring the beauty of fall. They are surrounded by leaves of  orange, yellow, and red. In the distance a lake glistens in the crisp air. Leaves tumble on a soft breeze. A deer peeks from behind a green bush.
BOY: "Don't you just love it when God shows off?"                                          *Scene: a suburban couple are reading on the couch. She has Bob Woodward's new book and he is reading the New York Times. Newsweek and Time magazine are on the coffee table. In front of them, the television flashes a picture of Kim Jong-il. The man looks at the television set.
Man:"But on the other hand..."

Hopefully, when I get the hang of the @#$%# image manager, I'll include my drawings too!


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Time Rewind 10/9-10/13

Posted by Scribbler on Sunday, October 08, 2006 10:13:17 AM
October 9, 1980  The first use of computer banking is completed. A customer deposits $100 in local bank. Panic ensues the next day when someone withdraws all the money. It is learned the cash was taken by customer's computer mouse who wants a bigger, more comfortable pad.
October 10, 1965  Vinland map is displayed by Yale University. It was drawn by Lief Erickson around 1440. The legend of the map tells the story of Viking sailor Ragnar who loves the color purple and wants to battle the Redskins and Chiefs. He jumps ship to join the beautiful Indian maidan Minnie-sota.
October 11, 1975  Bill Clinton marries Hillary Rodham. They play many games on their honeymoon. Hillary writes in her diary that Bill is sneaky at Clue, has unusual moves while playing Twister, and only cheats at the game called Life.
October 12, 1992  Microwave Observing Project begins. It is an attempt to make contact with alien life. Among messages received: "Gene Roddenberry for President!" "I'm having problems with the Transporter, Dr. Spock!" and "Earthlings hearts should soar and they should adore internet inventor, Al Gore!"
October 13, 1797  First edition of Farmers' Almanac is published with helpful advice for all:
to cure baldness, walk barefoot in fresh manure and to get rid of warts, let a black calf lick them three times for three days. Wondering what your child will be? Place the child on the floor and surround him with a Bible, hammer, coin, and a snakes's tooth. Which one does he pick up first? Bible? A preacher. Hammer? A carpenter. Coin? A banker. Snake's tooth? A lawyer.
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A Sacrifice In Red Sox Nation

Posted by Scribbler on Friday, October 06, 2006 10:23:25 AM
Since the Red Sox collapse, we've had a tornado and an earthquake in Maine and dire predictions about the upcoming winter from the bees. Something had to be done. A gesture, an offering to the powers that control the fate of all who love the Red Sox. Yesterday, Red Sox ace Jonathan Papilon came to Maine to participate in a charity event and do some moose hunting. Zeus-like, the young hurler hunts with bow and arrow. This could be dangerous if a staggering moose gets angry. But moose never get angry. They never get very bright either. Moose think moose meat is a family get together and each fall, the young male moose has to be taught the difference between a Ford and a female. In Lincoln, the baby faced Papilon bought hunting supplies and was carded at the checkout counter. Finally recognized, he waved and got into his car to speed away to the dark pine woods where his trophy moose waited; our sacrifice to the power pitcher. It's the least we can do for the great hope of the Red Sox Nation.
Things are already looking up for some of us. This morning I received an Email from a lawyer in Africa. One of his clients, a very rich merchant from Tawain, was recently killed in a plane crash. He left 50 million American dollars in the bank and the lawyer wants my help in getting the funds released. He promises a large fee for my trouble. I am willing to share (sacrifice) my good fortune with any of you who might be interested. I do have one stipulation--you must be a Yankee fan!
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Olympia Snowe Approves!

Posted by Scribbler on Thursday, October 05, 2006 8:02:57 AM
I almost drove off the road yesterday when I heard the Olympia Snowe radio ad. It went something like the following:
Old man voice: "Olympia works hard for Maine. She don't have one eye on the clock."
Perky female voice: "She will work to improve education."
Announcer-type voice "Time Magazine says she is one our most effective leaders."
Business man voice: She will bring  new jobs and new opportunities to Maine."
Old lady voice: "I always sleep better knowing Olympia is looking out for us retired folk."
Confident, senatorial voice : " I'm Olympia Snowe and I approve of this message!"
Surprise! Surprise! Olympia approves of all the sugary sentiments written by a fawning staff.
After I got the Neon back on the road, I wondered what the voices would say if I ran for office. I never will run but I got to thinking about that day when I walk through the pearly gates. Would I have an advocate?
Angel #1 " I found the scribbler to be loopy, loathsome, and lazy."
Angel #2 "And if you want to talk about lusting..."
Angel #3 "Let's not go there. He was fairly honest except for those Batman comics he
             stole as a kid and those root beer drinks he never did pay for."
Angel #1 " He was always cheating at marbles and spin-the-bottle!"
Angel #2 " And at Christmas, he was a great shaker of packages!"
Angel #3 " His score is at 7 on the lie gauge and I have him a solid 8 on the pride scale."
The Scribbler " How come I don't get a Guardian Angel to speak for me? Where is he at?"
Angel #1 "Rehab! Forty years of your awful humor was all he could take."
Angel # 2 " Sad."
Angel # 3 "It's us or nobody. You were fortunate to get a Guardian Angel." 
I would decide to go with the angels. And what about those who didn't get a Guardian Angel? What did they get?  Did they get a Guardian Demon?  That wouldn't work for me. He could give me excuses for my bad behavior and come up with some nifty things to do but there would be a downside; he would find my worldview...repugnant. I could never get a job running a camera for Katie Couric either.         
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Taking The Cure !

Posted by Scribbler on Tuesday, October 03, 2006 9:26:14 AM
It's not their fault, no one is to blame.
Landing on page one was not their aim.
There are many villains they could name
Who brought them down and caused them shame.
Drugs, bipolar disorder, and parents who did them dirt
Are the reasons for their awful hurt.
Mr. Foley is only the latest,
The list is long and includes the greatest(?).
Kennedy, Sheen, Gibson, Ryder say for them rules don't apply.
They are special and unique is the reason why.
Besides there is no sin, no punishment for them
Because rehab awaits where no one condemns.
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